What I'm Reading: "The Gifts of Imperfections" by Dr. Brene Brown

This month's pick is "The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Be Who You Are" by Dr. Brene Brown.

Brene Brown, Ph.D. is a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work. For the past decade she has studied vulnerability, courage, worthiness and shame. Quite possibly not the most popular of studies being researched, but all the more intriguing. Brene`lives n Houston with her husband Steve and their two children.

Brown's 2010 TEDx Talk on the power of vulnerability is brave and moving. It also just happens to be one of the most watched talks on TED.com with over 15 million views.

That, as well as her closing speech, Listening to Shame, at the 2012 TED conference in Long Beach, have catapulted Brown "Into the Arena".

Coincidentally, the premise for her third book (which I devoured in two days) "Daring Greatly". The title of the book comes from the Theodore Roosevelt speech "Man In The Arena".

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.  -Theodore Roosevelt

I'm getting ahead of myself here...

Brene` is the author of three books total to date:

• I Thought It Was Just Me
• The Gifts of Imperfections
• Daring Greatly

I skipped right over her first book and dived head on into "The Gifts of Imperfections" (call it a cosmic "Freudian" draw). It was just what #DrMom ordered for this recovering Type A perfectionist.

The first book is on my reading list for sure!

Her introduction to wholehearted living is an inspiring and authentic view at ourselves and how we perceive the world around us. Letting go of "social norms" and leaving room for self compassion in order to truly be able to feel compassion towards another, is only one of the many guideposts to truly "wholehearted living". Her approach to cultivating creativity and letting go of comparison is something we all can learn from, especially our children.

One of the main draws in this book for me was that these were all values I wanted to instill in my children, and yet I had to sort of "re-wire" my own thinking before I could authentically model this for them. It's one thing to talk the talk, but children are masters at seeing right through your words and picking up on ALL of your actions. Not just those opportune "teachable moments" where you are prepared with all the right answers and theories, but all the in between moments of each and every day. Sensing your fear and vulnerability, even at times you may be unwilling to share or admit it. This is the reason I feel as though you have the constant ability to deepen your relationship and bond with your children, for there is no more intimate relationship on this earth we can share as we do with them.

Brown's outlook on vulnerability and shame is empowering. The true courage it takes to open up and share freely with someone (only those who've earned the right to hear your story, including your children) your fears or inadequacies. The fact that you may just not know what to do or say at any given moment, but you are willing to be open and accepting to whatever comes your way is truly brave. Because the risk of looking "uncool" is much smaller than the risk of not giving it your all.

Brene` is quoted as saying: "Being cool is the emotional straight jacket". I see this everyday with children and sadly even adults. Especially among little girls and even "women". I suppose it's easy to be a part of the "Mean Girls Club", to be too cool for school. In reality these "tough girls" who can't express themselves emotionally or step up and be counted for what they feel or believe without attacking are afraid. More afraid of the vulnerability it takes to be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to change you. Afraid to be seen or heard, for fear that they may not be loved because of it. Fear of rejection even. As a society, as women, we are constantly pressured to dress and look a certain way. To live up to an unattainable expectation, and if you don't then you my dear are an outcast. Rather than focus their energy on the outside by physically changing themselves in pursuit of fulfillment or acceptance, I'd rather focus that energy on the inside. Once you get the inside right, the rest will fall into place. There's more strength and courage in standing alone with integrity than there ever was in selling out in a crowd.

It's easy for someone to shut down and turn to mean, rude or provocative comments as a means of defense. It takes a lot of guts instead to choose compassion and live with an open heart. To embrace our vulnerability as humans, and value the connection that comes with it is perhaps the most courageous.

Dr. Brene Brown believes that as humans we are all hard-wired for connection, and all we want is to be seen and heard. By acknowledging our children's feelings, ALL of them, no matter how uncomfortable they may be, we give them the opportunity to be seen AND heard. To truly give unconditional love, we must embrace the ENTIRE human being with acceptance and love. Giving the gift of love and total compassion. Only once we can do this for ourselves, can we freely and genuinely give it to others.

If only we lived in a world where differences were celebrated, maybe everyone would be able to share the same unalienable human rights and get married where they please. Perhaps little girls would feel comfortable in their own skin no matter what that skin looked like, and could grow into women who uplifted each other instead of judging and comparing each other while exchanging catty remarks. Little boys could even express themselves without societal judgment on what colors they should be wearing, or what "manly" toys they should be playing with. Then they could grow up to be men who could confidently stay at home with their children, or enjoy tender moments without shame.

This book and more books like it are a part of a higher consciousness sweeping the nation. It's a process, but there is definitely a shift in vibrational energy, a shift in consciousness for the human race. It seems at times we've come a long way, but there is much more to go. Making the change starts with you. Making a change in your own mind and breaking generational patterns, passing that along to your children. One mind. One Person. One Family. One Neighborhood. One Community. One Nation. One World. One Race.

Essentially Yours,


Erika

What I'm Reading:" Liberated Parents, Liberated Children" by AdeleFaber & Elaine Mazlish

Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish are both Theater Major NYU graduates (be still my heart) with a B.A. in Education, both taught in the New York City school system for a number of years bless their hearts, each have three children of their own.
Their book "Liberated Parents, Liberated Children", spawned from the workshops and meetings with the acclaimed Dr. Haim Ginott author of last week's "What I'm Reading" pick, "Between Parent & Child". It was a natural progression to read this book next, what an easy and informative read it was!

In my opinion perfectly titled because for me this book was liberating! The choice to raise my children differently from how I was raised is most certainly one of the most empowering decisions I've made thus far. It's also rendered me completely vulnerable, in many cases ending with me not totally understanding how to handle most situations and therefore always fearful I'm doing something "wrong". Wondering if at times I'm doing enough, or too much? That perfect dance of holding on and letting go that can be so very delicate, it's one of the treasures of parenting really (unnerving as it may be). I suppose that's why parenting is often compared to riding a roller coaster, it teaches us how to really live. I once heard a quote that said: "You don't know what it is to live, until you've learned to have your heart walk around outside of your body". THIS is parenting...

This book follows their journey through their parenting workshops, where parents with all different age children meet to discuss their triumphs and tribulation in their respective homes. A "safe" space where different examples to teaching communication skills are highlighted and even some role playing. Their "homework" is to implement some of these skills at home, results are discussed at the next meeting and more in depth "town hall" style discussion about feelings and acknowledgement of what was learned. They must have known how clueless some parents felt in these situations because they even included cartoon scenarios in which you are given an example of the "right" and "wrong" way to react. Except it's not really right or wrong, more like a cause and effect for each way you could communicate in a situation. One might fix the behavior, but certainly not the supposed "problem" or teach anything. Choosing to change the frame in which you look at a situation has the possibility to change the situation itself.

I've learned this in other areas of my life, no clue as to why it didn't come natural to apply it here! Instead of looking at situations as problems or behavior that needs to be corrected ("Behaviorism" save that debate for another day!), look at them each as a learning opportunity. An opportunity not just to "teach" in the conventional sense of the word, but in a way whereas you arrive at a conclusion together. It not only reinforces problem solving, but also fosters a deeper connection. It's all about the journey in other areas of our lives as adults, why not in parenting?

Another focus from the book that really helped me was the importance of remaining authentic throughout this process. As I mentioned before, not having these communication skills growing up means having to almost completely ignore my primal instinct of drawing from a "familiar toolbox". Instead to be conscious at all times of which tools I use to work through a situation, this can be jarring. In the beginning it can feel rather disingenuous. It's important during this process to still remain authentic because if you are constantly treading on unfamiliar territory and unsure of yourself, the only sure bet is that you are going to stumble and fall. Which is okay, but in the process I've learned that the relationship is a two way street. Your needs are also important and in order for the relationship (yes even between parent and child) to function, each of you needs to also take care of yourselves. I feel as though this is a difficult lesson for some moms, namely me. This impossible goal of being "everything" for your child at all times is just a way to set yourself up to fail. It's also doing your child a disservice in many ways, more on this in the future I promise!

Only through constant submersion i.e., reading, discussions and educating yourself can you really begin to accumulate the new set of "tools" to draw from in times of need. After a while, it becomes second nature to use the communication skills that you've acquired. I'm still very much a work in progress and am adding to my toolbox, I have a feeling I will be adding to it for a very long time!

How liberating indeed.. To be able to work alongside those with whom we have the deepest connection humanly possible (our offspring), and be able to do so with respect and dignity on both ends. This book is a keeper for my library at home and all parents looking for a great go-to guide.


What are you reading these days? I'd love to know!


Essentially Yours,


Erika

What I'm Reading: "Between Parent & Child" by Dr. Haim Ginott

For me, this book read like a love letter from parent to child. It had confirmed everything I knew to be right and wrong about parenting communication regardless of what I was taught.

To be clear, I was raised in a loving yet strict environment. We were taught that questioning an adult is disrespectful and therefore questioning their authority, as many people from my generation have experienced. My grandparents grew up during The Great Depression, this generation had little time to worry about such things as "feelings" or "communication". They were taught to do as they were told, and not to ask questions.

I can only imagine it was a desperate attempt at maintaining some sort of structure within a family that could very well have been hanging on by a thread. Families were also much larger in these times, the average household could have as many as six to eight children (my mom was one of eight). Personal attention could have been an issue, this is a common story for many families from that era. It was also a time in which there was an influx of well-meaning albeit misleading research and opinions from groups of German psychologists and theories making its way into the United States as respected professional opinion. A lot of these researchers believed a child was a person that needed to be dominated, otherwise they would dominate you. A babies cry was an act of manipulation and must be ignored if the child was already fed and changed, in order to "set the standard" for who was really the boss. Hence, the foundation for practices such as the "crying it out" method that's become so popular. Making parenting a chess match of sorts, setting the framework for an "Us vs. Them" mentality. A dangerous way to think not only as a person but as a culture. You see, by conveying that we are on the same side of the problem in a moment of frustration and vulnerability, allows for a lesson in conflict resolution and problem solving.

Side Note: Coincidentally, a large number of these respected researchers and psychologists were practicing in the years leading up to Hitler's reign and the Holocaust that took place in Germany in the late 1930's - early 1940's.

Dr. Haim Ginott is thought to be the "Godfather" of empathic parenting. His influence far reaching and still very relevant in works today with author and co-founder of The Gottman Institute, Dr. John Gottman. Also with students who have their own literary contributions to conscious parenting such as Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish (more on these authors in upcoming book recommendations). Ginott's approach showed respect for children's feelings while placing boundaries on their behavior, some believe he was ahead of his time.

At the heart of his method, he realized that by ignoring a person's feelings you only enhance them or create confusion. However, by acknowledging these feelings, we are able to move forward and become better problem solvers.
This is an in depth read based on conflict resolution and treating children with the dignity and respect they deserve. A form of discipline in and of itself. The theory is that true discipline is not taught, but modeled. The word itself "discipline" derives from the word "disciple". Being the example to children at the most vulnerable stage in their life is the best model we can give them. It sets the stage for true empathy and compassion, perhaps if we all had more of these communication skills in schools and at home already set in place our country would not be dealing with such a terrible bullying epidemic. Empathy is the foundation of effective parenting.

We cannot expect a child to feel empathy because we have always told them to, it's an intrinsic emotion that can only be evoked if the child has the freedom in a safe space to address ALL of their feelings. Not just the self-gratifying feelings we need them to have so that we can feel like we've done a good job parenting. "Go tell Johnny your sorry!", I hear this all too often at the playground. This child isn't learning empathy or compassion by force, they are learning to say something to appease adults within earshot (more on this sort of "punishment" in future book recommendations).

Dr. Haim Ginott's legacy and one of his greatest accomplishments may have been the classes he held with parent's in a town hall type setting, teaching these communication skills with compassion and empathy for where each of these parent's were in their own specific parenting journey.

Overall, this was one of the books that helped lay the groundwork for making a change in the "framework" of my parenting. These communication skills have reached beyond my parent / child relationship and seeped into every relationship in my life. A great beginning to better understand "feelings" in general. A great read even if you don't have any children!

If you would like to learn more about Dr. Haim Ginott and his work, go to: www.betweenparentandchild.com.

I look forward to sharing more books with you!


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We'd love for you to link up what you're reading with us!

Please follow your Bookworm Wednesday hosts:

Essentially Yours,


Erika

All you need is.. Library Love!

For some reason people think I'm kidding when I say some of my fondest memories as a child were spent going to my local library.

I was one of those kids that enjoyed going to school, learning and the entire education process as a whole. I was (and still am) a self professed bookworm. I actually enjoy reading. I'm puzzled as to why this concept seems so difficult for some to believe. I use to walk and read on my way home from school each day. Not the safest way to cross the street at eleven years old, but hey my peripheral vision some would argue is better than my actual vision.

I remember my older brother being embarrassed by his "geeky" bookworm sister. He was in middle school while I was still in elementary, it was his job to meet me after school at Baskin Robbins across the way from P.S. 69 and walk home together (This was where I started my first job years later at 14). I can still see the mortification on his face one day when he walked in and saw me doing my homework while waiting. (Gasp) I was required to walk/read about a half block behind him and his friends so they wouldn't find out we were related. I had crazy wild curly hair (still do), with bunny teeth (still do), and bright red Sally Jessy Raphael looking glasses (I would still rock those if I could find them). Wouldn't YOU want to be related to me??? (To his credit he has since reformed but lovingly calls me his white baboon, we are very close).

Anyhow, I digress..

The library to a kid like me was a place of endless possibility! I felt like not only could I be anything I wanted while I was there, I already was it. When I decided I wanted to be a judge, I went to the library and checked out a book on legal terminology. I figured if I was going to be the first Puerto Rican Supreme Court Judge I'd better learn the lingo. I would watch Court TV and listen to "the dance" between lawyers in the courtroom and practice using "Objection!" and whether or not I felt it was cause for "Overruled" or "Sustained" (I still do this). The Library fueled this need inside of me to figure out who I was and what I really wanted to do. I would decide what sort of profession I wanted to learn about that day, find a book about it and disappear into the pages in a quiet corner at the end of an aisle. I had a ritual, I would open the book I was interested in to about half way and take a big sniff (I still do this). There is a comfort in the smell of an old library book that I just can't get from a newly printed book, or my Nook Book. It may be the quality of the paper, or the richness of the ink that sparks such wanderlust. It makes me sad sometimes to think that there may very well be a generation who will not understand this feeling.

We visit our local libraries often for story time and to round up a bunch of books to bring home, it feels great to share this joy with my children. I was able to see the same big bright smile as my oldest son got his first library card this summer. His face lit up with excitement of the same endless possibilities I still feel when I walk through those double doors.

One of my favorite quotes is:

"If you have a garden and a library, you have everything you need."

-Cicero

It's really important to me to be able to instill the same values in my children. That no matter how impossible, crazy or even outlandish an idea may seem to others, if it is your dream it is possible. The things that matter to us, or speak to us are not random. They are a part of our calling it seems, in some aspect. If you follow that little voice inside you, I believe it will in some way help someone else. Whether it be to follow their dream or help someone else along the way.

With that being said, I have decided to add a new segment to the Essentially Erika blog. A Book Club of sorts, entitled "What I'm Reading". I will be posting great reading material that has contributed in some way over the years and presently to the thoughts, ideas or values that this blog's foundation is built on. It will most likely be based on subjects such as parenting, early childhood development, nature, music & the arts or even the dreaded self-help book sprinkled in here and there for good measure. It's a running joke that whenever you come to me with a problem, I'm sure to have a book recommendation for you. Well now it's official!

What have you checked out recently? Have any good book recommendations? I'd love to hear them!


Essentially Yours,

Erika