No Elf For My Shelf..

Unless you've been living under a rock or go by the name of Rip Van Winkle, then surely you've heard of the Elf on the Shelf. It seems you cant scroll through any social media feed without coming across a ton of different elves set up in precarious scenarios. This creepy  popular child's toy has been sweeping the nation since 2005 and left a trail of tired parents along the way. Since the boys are getting older and dealing with some outside influences, I wanted to get a head start and figure out whether or not this was something we would have to deal with. So I decided to weigh the possible pros and cons in order to get a better idea, this is what I was able to come up with.

Apparently, this Elf was created by a very well meaning pair of sisters who have fond memories of a lovable little elf their mother lovingly told them was there to keep an eye on them for Santa. Much like anything that goes mainstream, it evolves. In this case, the Elf comes once a year to keep a watchful eye on little boys and girls, he hides in new and creative spaces each day and returns to the North Pole to report back on the children's daily behavior. But not before wreaking some sort of havoc and leaving a mess behind (a mess created by parents only to be cleaned up by parents). This had me wondering who this fad is serving more, the parents or their children? 

Has this trend become another competition among parents? Another way to keep up with the Joneses? Why does it seem everyone wants to be the Griswold's nowadays? More added pressure during already demanding / exhausting holiday festivities? I think the moral of the Griswold Family Christmas movies has been lost along the way. It was the focus on family and the simplicity of the season that sustained them. They were lost in all the madness and the chaos of the holiday dealing with societal pressures and living up to unrealistic expectations. We've made a real effort of taking things slow this season and only committing to events that we absolutely don't want to miss while playing everything by ear. Feeling comfortable with saying no to anything that's going to add pressure or take away from our family time, and relishing in the moment. Doing less with more presence was the goal and I'm proud that we've stuck to our guns thus far and haven't fallen victim to fitting EVERY holiday themed activity on our calendar simply for the sake of doing it all.

I kept coming across stories of tired parents jolting out of bed at 3 am only to remember they never moved the elf, the pressures of having to come up with new and mischievous scenarios to invent for their elf. Only to have to get up early the next morning and clean up said mischief. I can't be the only parent who would be stressed out by this. I've even heard tales of children being distraught by their elves having to leave when the season is over, the last thing I want Christmas morning is two screaming toddlers unable to enjoy their gifts.

Aside from the parental commitment and any stress it may bring, or the blatant hypocrisy with this fiendish elf sent here to monitor all of your behavior while exhibiting terrible behavior of his own, there are other issues I have with this elf. Like the fact that it's used as a disciplinary tool to coerce children to behave accordingly. Lets talk behaviorism people.. Behaviorism with a friendly face is still behaviorism, and many of its effects will still be the same.

Behaviorism is an approach to psychology that combines different elements. Behaviorism is primarily concerned with observable behavior as opposed to internal events like thinking or feeling. It's a worldview that operates on a principle of "stimulus response". In other words, you are your behavior.
Let's just say I'm not a fan.

Alfie Kohn

I've spent a good part of this year reading up on all of Alfie Kohn's research on behaviorism and human response. Some of his work includes "Unconditional Parenting", "Beyond Discipline" and "Punished By Rewards". The latter being one of my favorites. Tying rewards to a child's behavior is a confusing and vicious cycle. Moving forward children may only be responsive to, or require rewards. If the parent is convinced it's unrealistic to expect children to do what they're supposed to in the absence of an incentive, then what are the children supposed to think of themselves? By providing a reward for certain behavior, it makes good behavior seem like a means to an end, in fact it makes the reward the end, not the behavior. Let's give kids a little credit. I want my boys to do what is right because they are supposed to, because it's the right thing to do and lastly because they want to do it.

"The belief that we can offer rewards to jump start a behavior and then simply fade them out presumes, that the effects of rewards do not carry over beyond acquisition into later occurrences of the activity in question, and do not transfer to related but different activities. There is no reason to believe that there is anything self contained about the effects of a reinforcement regimen. -Barry Schwartz

This isn't to say that once you reward a child you will ALWAYS have to provide a reward, but you cannot remove the reward system without a consequence. "You cannot put a couch in a room, then remove it without having changed the room."

The problem with the elf is that it is an unclear threat. Rewards that are contingent upon a required behavior defeats the very purpose it wishes to serve. The more you want what is being dangled in front of you, the more you resent what you have to do to get it. When we are repeatedly offered extrinsic motivators (toys, candy, screen time, food, bribes of all natures) we come to find the task or behavior less appealing in itself than we did before.

Therefore, with our intrinsic motivation having been "shelfed by the elf", we are less likely to engage in this activity unless offered an inducement for doing so. Some may suggest that the elf just serves as a reminder for children to make the right decisions themselves putting the power in their hands. This still does not solve the problem, because the desired behavior is still framed as a pre-requisite for -an obstacle to- getting the reward. Whether the reward is given by the adults or the child is allowed to reward themselves doesn't change the fact that the introduction of the reward in the first place changes the very frame in which we place the behavior. 

A very wise woman by the name of Susan Caruso, Founder of Sunflower Creative Arts, once told me - and it has been my mantra in parenting- that when something isn't working, flowing or just plain doesn't feel right. You can change the frame in which you view it, it has the ability to change the situation itself. The problem does not result from the application of reinforcements; it resides at the very core of extrinsic motivation. 

It is important to refrain from rewarding children for engaging in an activity or behavior that we would like them to find intrinsically motivating. Being patient, kind, compassionate and caring are alll qualities I want my children to possess because it feels right. NOT because there's a prize / reward / incentive behind it. If so, then what are we setting them up to believe? That all good deeds should be recognized, rewarded or praised? Rewards serve as a shortcut, it clearly changes the reason for doing something immediately. "Extrinsic motivators are most dangerous when offered for things we want children to want to do." In fact, research shows that extrinsic motivators nearly always reduce creativity.

Rewards can stifle creativity for both the child and for the parent / teacher / manager. Making it an easy out for the child to get what they are looking for and easily becoming a crutch for the parent, a vicious cycle indeed. It can be applied in all aspects of your life. Dangling a carrot in front of a persons face doesn't awaken anything but a sense of urgency to "Get That Carrot." Denying the intrinsic motivation and satisfaction only allows for the extrinsic needs to become stronger. Children's want / need list becomes bigger and more demanding, creating a monster. Children can develop stronger extrinsic needs as a substitute for more basic unsatisfied needs. We see this all the time in demanding "tweens."

Rewards don't work on tasks of particularly low interest either. For instance, growing up I despised math, it was my worst subject. I just couldn't understand it. All my life I dealt with educators who used every reward in the book, from gold stars to special priveleges and even candy! This never worked, for years I was insecure about math as it progressively got harder and harder for me. It took one teacher (Mr. Brown, if you're out there YOU ROCK!) I'll never forget what he taught me. He taught math in a way that made it both interesting and attainable. His creativity in making scenarios fun and informative opened up new doors for me. It did wonders for my self confidence and at the end of the semester I was in love with Algebra. There were no frills no thrills, just an understanding of what needed to be done and a willingness to find a creative way to get there together. 

Needless to say we have decided to pass on this Elf and all that he brings. I hate to make it all sound so dim, especially seeing as how the creators of this elf were trying to introduce a simple toy without batteries or flashing lights to adopt different traditions for each family (and it has for many families) but it just isn't the right fit for me and my family. It's a shame that it has been used as a conduit for mainstream "parent-centered" discipline and pop behaviorism. However, in my research I have been able to find some pretty uplifting and creative ways for families to put a positive spin on this mischievous elf if you have already started on this path and would like to switch gears, or if you have children begging for Santa's very own spy. For more on this click here.

Sorry Elf!

Essentially Yours,

Erika

The "No-Toy" Gift Guide

It's that time of year again, a time when everyone is shopping, buying and giving. Door buster sales, extended mall hours and gift sets galore. In the blogging world, this means gift guides, lots of em'! Gift guides are very helpful if that's what you're in the market for. But what about families like mine who prefer presence over presents? So I decided to create my own guide, for parents like me who work hard all year long fighting off childhood consumerism or exposing our children to the pigeon holes of mainstream media. The "Non-Gift Guide" if you will.

If you've read about out our Totschool / Playroom and taken the tour, or seen the feature on Modern Boca Mom, then you know that electronic or plastic battery operated devices are not on our must-have list any time soon.

Fact: The average child gets about seven hours of screen time a day and an average of only one hour outside.

If you follow me on Instagram, then you know we fully support "Being vs. Buying". Holidays are different for many families and this is how we choose to celebrate. This year we've decided to plan a fun family Christmas trip in lieu of shopping for a ton of toys. We will still have a few open ended toys for the boys to open Christmas morning, but the focus is on spending connected time with each other.

Growing up, Christmas in my home was an extravaganza. Although it was enjoyable and filled with magic and wonder, it was the time spent with family that keeps me laughing still. The memories we created surpass any toy I ever received, and I don't remember specific gifts, but I remember special years spent with those I love. My family respects our decisions. However, they don't always know how to handle these gift giving situations during birthdays or holidays. If you know a family like ours, then this is the guide for you! So here you have it, the first "Non-Gift" Gift Guide of the holiday. A way to acknowledge the holiday without contributing to profit driven toy company madness, or sabotaging the hard work of many conscious parents.

Donations: Donating to a favorite charity for the activist in your life e.g., "Save the Bees" or "Mercy for Animals",  either in their name or in memory of someone they love dearly, is a win on all  levels. It shows you care about what they are passionate about and it helps to make a difference. Planting / Dedication of a tree on behalf of someone else is also a touching gift, and it's for a wonderful cause. 

Supplies: We do a lot of crafting! Limiting screen time in our home, means more time for getting creative. We are always in need of more supplies. Items like paint, chalk, paper, glitter and glue are always appreciated and put to good use.

Tuition / Classes/ Memberships: Our boys are Seedlings at Sunflower Creative Arts, their classes support hands-on experiences in Play, Nature and the Arts that are absolutely essential for healthy human development. A gift toward tuition or donation towards any of their classes or operating costs ensures our kids can keep enjoying all they have to offer.

Michaels craft store has crafting classes for older children, a paid registration for any of their classes is a thoughtful gift for the budding artist or future crafter. Musikgarten, a music class for babies and toddlers is generally offered at the Boca Raton Childrens Museum and is a great gift for babies and moms alike.

Memberships: We frequent our local museum's all year long, especially in the hot summer months. The Boynton Schoolhouse Museum and the Boca Art Museum offer wonderful family memberships at affordable prices. Yearly memberships are a great gift for everyone and ensures a year of fun for the whole family. A gift that keeps on giving!

Gift Cards: Ahhh yes, the stepchild of gifts. The almighty gift card, it has a bad reputation. The gift that says, "I don't really know you" or "I don't really care enough to stroll the aisles searching for just the right gift". Bahum-bug! A gift card can be an incredibly thoughtful gift! What could be more personal than providing a family the opportunity to dine together at their favorite restaurant? Perhaps a restaurant that they wouldn't otherwise spring for? I hear The Farmers Table has incredible cuisine that takes "fresh" to the next level. I can't wait to try it!

Tickets / Events: Last but not least, why not give the gift of  entertainment? You can search all the local events coming to your city this year and buy tickets in advance as gifts to concerts and shows, providing a family with a fun night out. The Mizner Park Amphitheatre has an awesome list of performances lined up for after the New Year!

Tickets to local Food and Art Festivals are another great gift, and an awesome way of giving a family a guaranteed day of fun and food! What could be better than that? In these demanding times family fun days can be hard to come by due to busy schedules or lack of funds. You may be able to provide a family with a well deserved break or a reason to make the time and get connected.

As you can see there seems to be a recurring theme to this gift guide. It's all about reconnecting and continuing to build on what really matters, this and all times of the year, family. Spending time creating memories with those you love, and perhaps getting to know those you don't know. Giving the most precious gift of all, your time.

Happy Holidays!

Essentially Yours,

Erika

Forego Black Friday, Cancel Cyber Monday, Go with Giving Tuesday!

Mappy Thanksmaskuh!

It's November, possibly one of my favorite months out of the calendar year. The weather is cooler in most parts of the country (annoyingly the same in Florida), but not quite freezing. Halloween is over, the candy has all been eaten or "donated" in our case, and there's a stillness in the air. That calm before the storm so to speak, a quiet month of reflection on gratitude and all that truly matters. The sense of impending fulfillment that can only come from watching your crazy relatives do what they do best, drive each other crazy! Thanksgiving has long been my favorite holiday, because it was the simplest of all the holidays. No muss no fuss, just food, family and lots of love.

(*Best Holiday movie EVER!)

Well, NOT ANYMORE!

Have you strolled the aisles of any of your local chain stores lately? They barely cleared away the halloween costumes before bringing out the cheesy tchatchke's or tacky blow up Santa's you find on every lawn around the holidays. To be clear: I AM a lover of Christmas and decorating, although I've learned to streamline it over the years. Quality decorations over quantity. More hand made with love, less cluttered crap. I don't enjoy my home looking as though I cleared the X-mas clearance aisle at Walmart. I use this opportunity like any other to decorate our home with crafted items we've made while creating lasting memories, or anything passed down throughout the years that bring fond memories of holidays past.

I'm fully aware of the morbidity of what actually took place on the first Thanksgiving, and am trying to figure out ways to convey a positive message from this celebration to our boys over the years, but how when the holiday is being phased out completely?

Over the years I found it strange that some people would actually put up their Christmas tree on Turkey Day. Call me crazy but growing up in New York we would buy our X-mas tree the first days of December, you know the actual month of the very holiday we were celebrating. Nowadays I even see in some homes the tree is already up and decorated tinsel and all, in family Thanksgiving Day pictures. 

It's bad enough consumers can't wait a whole evening for the infamous "Black Friday" sale that they had to move it up to midnight the night of Thanksgiving! I find this appalling on a lot of levels.. Not only do these companies plaster their shelves with merchandise in the month of October, but they require their workers report for duty at midnight on the day of a National Holiday! How far have we come from the family unit in this country that we feel the need to rush through turkey carving, so we can hurry up and get to the matter at hand... Consumerism! How much value do we put on "family" if were constantly sending the message to our children that the "almighty sale" is more important than spending time with your loved ones. I see more  Black Friday waiting line selfies on social media than I do family portraits.

Is it ever really that serious? Do we really HAVE to have that electronic device or toy so badly that we are now willing to sacrifice the peace from one holiday in order to rush into one that comes with presents? A little respect for the bird people! A little more presence perhaps and less presents. This poor turkey gets no love! He lost his life so that you can stand in line at Target with hundreds of other people waiting for a toaster oven? Shouldn't we at least pay homage to this foul by way of a tryptophan induced semi-coma?

To make matters worse, they've added Cyber Monday! In case you didn't get enough on Friday and still have something left in your 401k, there's still time! Except it's even better, you don't have to leave home at all, you can spend your retirement right here online! Thanksgiving is now the "Cinderella" of holidays. I truly feel as though this holiday is getting the raw end of the deal, being phased out completely for its lack of oh I don't know, REVENUE??? Can't we just enjoy this holiday and all that it brings? There will be plenty of time for more holiday festivities in December, it lasts all month long! Societies are built around MORE. More of EVERYTHING. More money, more cars, homes, devices, toys, vacations, clothes and jewelry, etc... More of everything, except time. All of these easily become distractions from more important matters. Time cannot be bought, sold or replaced.

I'm relieved by a  growing trend to help offset all of this holiday madness and get back to what really matters, giving back! Giving Tuesday is the day after Cyber Monday, it is set for December 2, 2014 this year and if you haven't participated before, now is the time! Giving Tuesday is a global day dedicated to giving back to all sorts of causes that have partnered up with this movement.

You can find hundreds of your favorite organizations partnered up with Giving Tuesday and donate to the charity of your choice. Sunflower Creative Arts is one of the many on the partner list and a wonderful way to give back to a local center contributing to the future of our community, our kids!  You can find out more about #GivingTuesday here. Join today and post an #UNselfie this holiday season! Sunflower is dedicated to protecting the freedom of childhood. I invite you to give the gifts of Play + Nature + Art  on #GivingTuesday bymaking a donation to Sunflower's Operating Fund.

There are many ways you can give back. Giving of your time is one of the most rewarding of all on both ends. If you can't afford to just donate freely to all the charities that call to you, then you can make it your business to give something much more personal, your time. Sometimes the call to service is there, but we don't always know how to answer it. That's what sites like Volunteer Match are for! They partner good people with good causes. I found them while trying to volunteer at local soup kitchens with the boys last year, which was more difficult than I anticipated because most of them were fully staffed. If you are sure you would like to volunteer on some level and give some of your time, all you have to do is visit their website, they will provide a list of organizations in your area that need volunteers and even provide you with their contact information and specifications on what that particular organization is in need of. 

Whatever your traditions or holiday celebrations consist of, I hope you'll consider giving back this season in whatever way you can. Take time and enjoy company instead of credit cards, people instead of presents, and giving instead of getting. 

Happy Holidays!

Essentially Yours,

Erika