What I'm Reading: "The Gifts of Imperfections" by Dr. Brene Brown

This month's pick is "The Gifts of Imperfection: Let Go of Who You Think You're Supposed to Be and Be Who You Are" by Dr. Brene Brown.

Brene Brown, Ph.D. is a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work. For the past decade she has studied vulnerability, courage, worthiness and shame. Quite possibly not the most popular of studies being researched, but all the more intriguing. Brene`lives n Houston with her husband Steve and their two children.

Brown's 2010 TEDx Talk on the power of vulnerability is brave and moving. It also just happens to be one of the most watched talks on TED.com with over 15 million views.

That, as well as her closing speech, Listening to Shame, at the 2012 TED conference in Long Beach, have catapulted Brown "Into the Arena".

Coincidentally, the premise for her third book (which I devoured in two days) "Daring Greatly". The title of the book comes from the Theodore Roosevelt speech "Man In The Arena".

It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.  -Theodore Roosevelt

I'm getting ahead of myself here...

Brene` is the author of three books total to date:

• I Thought It Was Just Me
• The Gifts of Imperfections
• Daring Greatly

I skipped right over her first book and dived head on into "The Gifts of Imperfections" (call it a cosmic "Freudian" draw). It was just what #DrMom ordered for this recovering Type A perfectionist.

The first book is on my reading list for sure!

Her introduction to wholehearted living is an inspiring and authentic view at ourselves and how we perceive the world around us. Letting go of "social norms" and leaving room for self compassion in order to truly be able to feel compassion towards another, is only one of the many guideposts to truly "wholehearted living". Her approach to cultivating creativity and letting go of comparison is something we all can learn from, especially our children.

One of the main draws in this book for me was that these were all values I wanted to instill in my children, and yet I had to sort of "re-wire" my own thinking before I could authentically model this for them. It's one thing to talk the talk, but children are masters at seeing right through your words and picking up on ALL of your actions. Not just those opportune "teachable moments" where you are prepared with all the right answers and theories, but all the in between moments of each and every day. Sensing your fear and vulnerability, even at times you may be unwilling to share or admit it. This is the reason I feel as though you have the constant ability to deepen your relationship and bond with your children, for there is no more intimate relationship on this earth we can share as we do with them.

Brown's outlook on vulnerability and shame is empowering. The true courage it takes to open up and share freely with someone (only those who've earned the right to hear your story, including your children) your fears or inadequacies. The fact that you may just not know what to do or say at any given moment, but you are willing to be open and accepting to whatever comes your way is truly brave. Because the risk of looking "uncool" is much smaller than the risk of not giving it your all.

Brene` is quoted as saying: "Being cool is the emotional straight jacket". I see this everyday with children and sadly even adults. Especially among little girls and even "women". I suppose it's easy to be a part of the "Mean Girls Club", to be too cool for school. In reality these "tough girls" who can't express themselves emotionally or step up and be counted for what they feel or believe without attacking are afraid. More afraid of the vulnerability it takes to be yourself in a world that is constantly trying to change you. Afraid to be seen or heard, for fear that they may not be loved because of it. Fear of rejection even. As a society, as women, we are constantly pressured to dress and look a certain way. To live up to an unattainable expectation, and if you don't then you my dear are an outcast. Rather than focus their energy on the outside by physically changing themselves in pursuit of fulfillment or acceptance, I'd rather focus that energy on the inside. Once you get the inside right, the rest will fall into place. There's more strength and courage in standing alone with integrity than there ever was in selling out in a crowd.

It's easy for someone to shut down and turn to mean, rude or provocative comments as a means of defense. It takes a lot of guts instead to choose compassion and live with an open heart. To embrace our vulnerability as humans, and value the connection that comes with it is perhaps the most courageous.

Dr. Brene Brown believes that as humans we are all hard-wired for connection, and all we want is to be seen and heard. By acknowledging our children's feelings, ALL of them, no matter how uncomfortable they may be, we give them the opportunity to be seen AND heard. To truly give unconditional love, we must embrace the ENTIRE human being with acceptance and love. Giving the gift of love and total compassion. Only once we can do this for ourselves, can we freely and genuinely give it to others.

If only we lived in a world where differences were celebrated, maybe everyone would be able to share the same unalienable human rights and get married where they please. Perhaps little girls would feel comfortable in their own skin no matter what that skin looked like, and could grow into women who uplifted each other instead of judging and comparing each other while exchanging catty remarks. Little boys could even express themselves without societal judgment on what colors they should be wearing, or what "manly" toys they should be playing with. Then they could grow up to be men who could confidently stay at home with their children, or enjoy tender moments without shame.

This book and more books like it are a part of a higher consciousness sweeping the nation. It's a process, but there is definitely a shift in vibrational energy, a shift in consciousness for the human race. It seems at times we've come a long way, but there is much more to go. Making the change starts with you. Making a change in your own mind and breaking generational patterns, passing that along to your children. One mind. One Person. One Family. One Neighborhood. One Community. One Nation. One World. One Race.

Essentially Yours,


Erika

"What's Going On"

It seems there is plenty to fear at a time like this, or there always has been perhaps we are just more aware of these fears. But in times like this with a nation in turmoil, and the threat of other nations turmoil effecting human lives all over the world, I struggle. I struggle to find the hope that is needed to teach my children that love and compassion still exist, and this world strongly needs more of it. I struggle with moving forward after witnessing some of the horrific images being displayed on public and social media, especially the unkind or irresponsible images being thrust forward disregarding those whom it effects. I suppose I struggle in this world with so much lack of compassion and empathy for human lives.

Buddhists believe that worrying about the future is a waste of time, that you should always keep your mind in the present living completely "in the now". I suppose this is hard when faced with some of the heavy issues we've been dealing with as a human race. I say as a human race because sometimes I feel as though these issues are portrayed as "race" issues, or issues that are none of our business because they do not take place on American soil. These are in fact issues of the human race as a whole, what is done to one human life is done to all. I strongly believe we are all connected.

I get lots of different responses from people, some feel as though its just a cold cruel world and they almost expect these sort of tragedies to take place as some sort of "necessary evil". Or that we should raise our children to be "strong" and "hard" so that they are not eaten alive by this crazy world. These are the the cold responses that scare me the most. Yes I may be sensitive to these issues, perhaps even take them on personally. But, aren't we supposed to? Shouldn't it bother us all to the point where we feel as though we are so uncomfortable we MUST make a change of some sort? Wouldn't "training" our kids for a cold and cruel world only make it a much colder and more cruel world for their children? If hatred begets more hatred, then wouldn't love increase more love?

Perhaps the wisdom lies somewhere in between, where one day I will not succumb to the fear that comes along with these acts of hatred and violence. It's easy to react with fear or through fear, because no one could imagine having to endure some of the terrible things that go on around the world every single day. Maybe only when we can respond to pure hatred with love and compassion, can we bring light into these dark circumstances. It's difficult for sure, to abstain from anger or judgement when you see injustice and hatred running rampant. To keep from responding with more hatred or even violence in some cases. Perhaps, now more than ever we draw from our children instead of trying to have it all figured out for them. We draw from them the untainted pure love and understanding that comes free of charge, undeservingly.

It helps to talk about these thoughts and ideas, communication is the only medium to true change. Respectful open conversations reserving all judgement is healthy to creating new policies, procedures and thought patterns. I guess all in all we have to take our talk for a walk, practice what we are preaching and lead by example for our children. Modeling true kindness and compassion in ALL situations, even the hardest teaches the biggest lesson. That no matter how unjustly you are treated, your response to the situation has the capability to change the situation itself.

In other words, it all starts at home. It all starts with you... You can make a change in the world, by making the change in your life, in your relationships and in your community. Understanding that we are but a drop in a vast ocean, we must play our part by doing our part. Growing where we are planted I suppose and understanding that we are a part of something much much bigger.

"A jug fills drop by drop... Each moment of conscious intention is a raindrop that will in time turn into a stream, and then a river flowing to it's destination."

-Buddha


Essentially Yours,


Erika